It’s 2007, my grandpa is a fan of country music and my mom buys him an album with a frizzy, curly haired girl on the cover.

It’s 2008, we’re on the train and my cousin shares her iPod with me and plays a song called “Love Story”. I put it on repeat until she requests we listen to something different.

It’s 2010, I buy one of my first CD’s with my own money – the Target exclusive Speak Now.

It’s 2011, I meet a girl who also loves Taylor Swift, we become inseparable and in 2012 we went to CVS together to get all kinds of special Red merchandise.

It’s 2014 and I move across the country. I am depressed. 1989 comes out and I worry it’s too happy for me. I still run a Taylor Swift fan page on instagram and Tumblr and meet Emily.

It’s 2015 and Emily and I finally meet in person at the 1989 World Tour.

My fan page slows down. I don’t like how mean people are to Taylor Swift. 

It’s 2017 and I move again. My dad picks me up and I make him listen to “Look What You Made Me Do” and I’m stoked to have new Taylor Swift music finally.

It’s 2018 and Emily and I attend another concert together – in handmade costumes by my mom – her in the gold fringe “Sparks Fly” dress and me in the blue fringe “Delicate” dress. We meet Paul Sidoti. We have awesome seats. We cried and held each other during “Long Live”.

It’s 2019 and I’ve started my freshman year of college. I excuse myself from social activities to listen to Lover alone in my dorm room. 

It’s 2020. I make all of my friends watch Miss Americana. Months later I’m in the woods without service and emerge to a new Taylor Swift album: folklore. And then she surprises everyone with another: evermore, and I take a bath in the apartment I share with 3 people and I light candles and listen.

I move in with my best friend and we listen to re-recordings and I sob over “Nothing New” and we freak out over Midnights being announced and have a listening party and I am so so unbelievably certain that the album is going to be the one I love more than any other. And it comes out, and it’s not.

Sometime after the quiet reverence of folklore and evermore, Taylor Swift became a bigger name than ever before. And everyone has an opinion. And if you like her you’re mainstream. If you hate her you’re a misogynist or a snob. She is evil. She is perfect.

She has the world wrapped around her finger.

And that’s fucking terrifying.

With the release of THE TORTURED POETS DEPARTMENT I can’t help but share some thoughts. And believe me, I know all the easter eggs, I no longer run a fan page but I still know a freakish amount of Taylor Swift lore – I am a TS encyclopedia, and it was the release of Midnights and subsequent parasocial relationships from fans that made me take a step back and ask: what does it mean to like Taylor Swift and just what kind of power does she have?

In order to dissect THE TORTURED POETS DEPARTMENT we first have to look at some key conversations surrounding her and her fanbase because Taylor Swift albums exist within their own universe, with lore and backstories and information that can change the meaning of a simple song.

BillionERA

I have to get this out of the way first.

Billionaires terrify me. I truly see no reason on earth for why someone should be a billionaire, it’s an obscene amount of money. Swift is the first to become a billionaire solely because of her music. That is wildly impressive. I’m not denying that, she’s a savvy businesswoman and anyone can see that. She has worked hard, I’ve watched it for over a decade now. But I have watched business moves become increasingly driven by fomo and money grabbing, and that is unsettling particularly when the artist seems to want you to think the art is more important (while proceeding to release endless special editions and merchandise).

My 2 biggest gripes regarding the relationship between Swifties, FOMO, and $$

1. Special editions. Swift has always had a special edition CD or two (remember that Target exclusive I got in 2010?) There are now at least 4 special editions per album in addition to the tried-and-true Target exclusive. This rubbed me the wrong way the most with the TTPD release. People bought 4+ editions in order to hear the bonus songs (which historically have not been released on streaming for 3+ months after initial album release). And a mere 2 hours after the album releases, TTPD: The Anthology comes out, with all those bonus songs. And for what? What gave people the instinct and need to spend $100+ on buying more than one CD or vinyl? Especially the people who do not own a CD or record player, you are consuming for the sake of consuming. Did Swift’s team have any motive aside from laughing their way to the bank?

2. Eras Tour. Concerts are a luxury, putting aside the ticket cost and drama with platforms like Ticketmaster. If you were going to the Eras Tour you needed to look your best, you needed to know all the songs, all the chants, all the inside jokes or you didn’t deserve to be there – god forbid you show up without friendship bracelets. That was the unfortunate vibe I got from a lot on social media. And of course that does not speak for everyone, but those public figures and influencers you follow on socials made it feel like an event. And no one should feel less than for showing up in jeans and a t-shirt. I was fortunate enough to go, and had a blast with my sister, but I’ve heard people get bullied out of the stadium because the meanness of attendees couldn’t be outweighed by the fans’ enjoyment of the show.
   1. It doesn’t matter how many “old school Swifties” like myself say it’s a welcoming environment and “Taylor would be sad to hear that people are being mean”, people will be rude and make you feel like you don’t deserve to be in a room and Swift has a job to do – like it or not she’s not your therapist and you also don’t know her.
   2. I am endlessly thankful Taylor has stopped the exclusive meet and greets post concert. Firstly, she deserves a break after that Eras Tour set. Secondly, the already insufferable nature of making sure everyone knows you’re the biggest fan would have been exacerbated and likely unbearable.

Do No Wrong

I think Swifties have a general mindset of “Taylor Swift can do no wrong, not really”. She is allowed to hold grudges and call people out. And I believe she is entitled to that as an artist – we as humans are not expected to move on from everything and we’re allowed to share that through art. But when you rise to the fame and recognition of Taylor Swift, the fun secret messages in lyric books grow from girlish, teenage humor and catharsis to bible that your fans will now take as law, and send witch-hunts for whoever hurt you.

She can’t stop them, regardless of whether or not she tries. She has stated that these re-recordings in particular are not permission to go off and be horrible to people who may have broken her heart 15 years ago. But that never stopped her fanbase. If your primary relationship with art is to gossip about the personal life of the artist that inspired their work, that is an unfortunate way to interact with any medium. Have fun with your theories, chat with your friends about them. But devoting yourself to the investigation can quickly become unhealthy. Sure, it’s one thing when you title a song “So Long, London” after a 6-year relationship with a British man or “thanK you aIMee” when you have a notorious history with a famous Kim. But the beauty of art is finding your own meaning and story. No one needs you to scream “this song is about xyz” because it. Doesn’t. Matter. 

And for those who do like to share their theories and dissections about “who a song is about” I ask you: Why do you care? How does it make you better than the tabloids who have speculated about her since she was a teenage girl?

I’m Just A Girl

Many fans rebut critiques towards her as being woman-hating, anti-feminist, it’s a girls thing, etc. And you know what? No. That is a lame excuse and you will use any means to defend her because you like her.

Taylor Swift is a human, she is flawed, which means she does good and bad. And I no longer believe that every negative thing boils down to “iF ShE WeRe A MaN…”  That liberal feminism is Swifties’ favorite weapon against criticism. If the feminist agenda were a priority to Swift and her fanbase, there might be more from her aside from a documentary about a truly painful and vulnerable part of her life that unfortunately felt like it culminated in a new song announcement, and not a message of activism.

And I admit, to be as famous as she is and make a public statement about your beliefs – that is terrifying. Our world is crazy and there is a very real possibility that people would seek to hurt her for her stances. But over time it has become harder to truly love and feel connected to an artist that, as time goes on, I realize I do not know and I never will – none of us will. We know the parts of her she chooses to share, and if she shares snippets of everyday life and joy that’s beautiful, but after this album more than ever I think that Taylor Swift doesn’t want to be known. 

The Tortured Poet

No parasocial relationship is more terrifying than the one Swifties have with Taylor Swift. As I said, after listening and digesting this album I walk away with the conviction that Swift is fed up and sick of being known so deeply by her fans. And yet she cannot stop. Yes, Swifties are grasping at straws and have an insatiable desire for all the little clues they can piece together, but they are not acting unprovoked. Maybe Swift is growing to hate herself for being unable to stop dropping breadcrumbs. But at the 66th Grammy Awards when she accepted the award for Pop Vocal Album she proceeded to coyly reveal she wants to thank her fans by giving them a brand new album on April 19th. And truthfully the announcement felt smug, it felt disingenuous to announce this “intimate” and “personal” album on the biggest stage possible.

The inability to stop making art that is so vulnerable and personable, in many ways, is an artist’s dilemma – at what point in interweaving art with life do you lose your personhood? Furthermore – when does that blurred line cost you your artistry?

Swift’s willingness to be vulnerable and bleed onto the page has always been the cornerstone of what many fans love about her – myself included. And yet I walk away from the majority of this album wishing she merely published a book of poetry.

Sonically, this album falls into monotony. Jack Antanoff and Taylor Swift have made some great music together, and he is a talented producer (see: Daddy’s Home by St. Vincent). And yet their collaboration this time around felt like same-old-same-old, it makes me feel that Swift and Antanoff have plateaued and might be a one-trick-pony duo with nothing more up their sleeve. I have always preferred Aaron Dessner’s collaborative work with Swift as I enjoy his work outside of her. But even then, the possibility for more dynamic instrumentals and interesting choices were passed over. And the funniest part of it all is that Swift’s fanbase is going to buy her next album no matter what – so why not go off the rails? Why not experiment and try something using the endless amount of resources you have at your disposal? Take those songs with religious imagery and go balls-to-the-wall with organs and bombastic instrumentals worthy of a cathedral.

Maybe it’s because she’s making music for herself, and this is what she likes. But again – if that is what you truly believe as an artist why do your fans still bleed money? That is what I loved about evermore, an album that many people feel is “forgotten” because it wasn’t as big of a deal as folklore, there weren’t numerous special editions. It simply appeared and I found that to be incredibly special in its own quiet way.

On this album she shares the idea that “I am what I am ‘cause you trained me” and it’s not a person she likes, and yet we as an audience have not seen a desire or a change into becoming someone different. The complexities and irony of humanity are on display: we are seeing the world’s biggest pop star have everything and still want more.

“She has all the power and privilege to choose to stop whenever she wants and she doesn’t, but then complains about it. It’s farcical.”

– my intelligent and insightful friend

She chooses to put it to music and make millions and listeners sit here and pity her because it’s clear she’s in a toxic relationship with her own power and simply cannot let it go. That is her choice and her prerogative. But I think it’s more concerning than admirable. It is not a stretch to say that Taylor Swift is infatuated with and romanticizes her own pain.

Fans listen to TTPD and hear songs like “I Can Do It With A Broken Heart” and are gobsmacked at her point-blank admission to being depressed and hating life while performing on the Eras Tour. Did you think she wasn’t? Did Swifties truly think she was fine after ending a six year relationship? In what world? She had a job to do, she wasn’t about to stop because she was in pain. That’s the reality of life for many people; and it has always been the truth – in some cases, downfall – for popstars.

I’m going to circle back to something I said earlier and remind us that of course she wasn’t okay. She is human, she is a woman in pain. Despite her success and money and fame, she is allowed to suffer a broken heart and fragile self-esteem and you’ve got to be a real asshole to think that matters of the heart don’t apply to some people.

At no point in her career will Taylor Swift be able to be separated from her art. The art and the artist are one, they do not exist as individuals. And I’m saddened by that reality. The more I ruminate on The Tortured Poets Department the more convinced I am that perhaps she needs a break. Maybe she needs to live her life and just be Taylor. Fame is a drug and I think she needs an intervention. Enjoy this chapter of life with the hunky football boyfriend. Swifties are not entitled to her life and love, and sooner or later we need to accept that Taylor Swift’s life doesn’t revolve around us either, and maybe a fanbase with this much power does more harm than good.